The Life I Never Had.. And the Blessing in Disguise

To my ever ambitious self, yes, look back if you may.. look farther back to seven or eight years ago. Look back to the life you wanted to have, how far was it from the one you have now. Look back my dear self, not in despair but with gratitude..

I was this girl, too young and naive, rebellious and headstrong but was never wise, to begin with. I was never smart, I am mediocre in everything that concerns life. I am conceited but I have never been the best and I will never be. I am a dreamer and I dream big! Big enough to swallow reality, big enough to swallow me but not big enough to motivate me. I am lazy, hardly motivated and again I am lazy, I am a walking definition of that word. 

I am always at war with my self, my ego, my sanity. I am awkward, I am never confident and I never work hard to get what I want. I will try my hardest at 50% and then leave the other half to luck! 

I remember cutting classes in high school, unattentive and the guidance counselor's favorite pick. It was the freedom that I love most, I felt that I was in control.

Straight up to university, I never changed at all. This was the time I realized that the life that I drafted in my Science notebook in High School was making a major detour. I admitted myself to study Nursing, not because I wanted it but my brother does. He sent me to school so I just had all my units passed. After 4 grueling years expanding my brain cells and draining the life out of me I said goodbye to Nursing, my interests lay somewhere else. I originally wanted to major Language and Literature, I never did. It was not because I didn't have the chance, I was just passive and never worked for it to happen.

After college, I wanted to waste my self, gain back the freedom I once had. Forget adulthood and ignore responsibility. I wanted to go job-hopping, bar-hopping, party hard and then harder. Meet a lot of people, getting drunk as early as seven in the morning, having breakfast for dinner and waking up at a nightclub the next day. Young, wild and free! That was the life I never had.

Then came the major turning point in my life! Having a child, having my own family. The whole journey was never an easy one! It was more broad than Nursing, more fun than clubbing, more fulfilling than careless freedom and a million times worth than partying hard. It was the answer to my uncertainty, the cure for my laziness and the fuel that got me motivated! I redirected and set a goal for a better purpose. I am now living the life that I never intended to have. Contented, my life may not be perfect but it gave me more than what I deserved. My life's greatest blessing that was in disguise came with a curly ponytail and a mustache.